Funnies
Kids say the funniest things... I used to post these on Facebook as they happened, but as I've withdrawn more and more from there I'm collecting the funnies here now. Project ongoing!
The daily surrealism… D(8): mum, what organ am I?
Me: …?
D: well you just said N(10) was your sweetheart…
***
N(10) was asked to fill in a questionnaire about herself. One question: how do you feel about yourself? (Scale of bad to great)
N: duh, what a weird question- great, of course!
And so she should!
***
Neither of my children is particularly blessed with patience. Just overheard this exchange…
N(9): Come on, I need your help! (with a craft project)
Mr.: (busy sorting the recycling): just bear with me a moment…
N: I’m bearing already!
***
D(8): What was the name of the guy again, in the film? Giant Ackman?
Me: [blank] who?
D: Giant Ackman - you know, the one in the film!
Me: .... .
...
Ah, you mean Hugh Jackman!
***
N(9): [dramatic moaning and dragging feet as she approaches the dining table]
Me: I'm going to eat outside, I'm not here for the "I hate this food" drama. Just eat.
N: I'm not dramaing about the food, I'm dramaing because I stubbed my toe!
Ah, ok then. Drama it is, either way.
***
Watching Beauty and the Beast (Disney) together, the villagers singing about how beautiful Belle is, D(7) turns to me: "I think you are much more beautiful than her."
My heart... such pure, sweet love
The kids are playing superheroes, establishing what each can do.
D(7): each of us can have two superpowers. What are yours?
N(9): wrapping vegetables around you and flying.
Oddly specific superpower...
***
N(9), jokingly after making a mistake: "Oh man I'm dumb!"
D: "No you're not. You're actually a very smart girl!"
Those two can be so lovely...
***
Pearl of wisdom for the day from D(7); when I grow up I will have £160 and that's all I will need. I will be rich! (If only we could live as frugally as that!)
***
D(7): I'm almost finished!
N(8): Almost?
D: VERY almost!
***
D(6): What's for dinner? I'm hungry!
Me: Risotto. It'll be 20 minutes.
D(6): What's risotto?
Me: You'll see. I think you'll like it.
D(6): Uh no, things with funny names always taste bad!
***
Chuckle of the day, credit to D(6): We're talking about how Egyptologists study Egypt, and how the student I'm supporting is becoming a criminologist. So -ologist is someone who studies something.
D: I'm going to be a body-ologist!
Me: do you mean, a doctor?
D: No, l'll just study bodies!
Me: But to what end?
D: To all the ends!
***
D(6) has a new Playmobil set, pyramid with Pharaohs.
He finds a male Pharaoh: "Oh look, it's Cleopatrick!"
***
Amazing self awareness - D(6) after an angry meltdown: “I’m so tired I’m starting to not like people!”
I know the feeling, my boy.
Listening to Christmas songs with the kids. “Jesus was born on a beautiful morn…”
N pipes up: why was it a beautiful lawn?
***
Among D's words I will miss when he outgrows them: "Grabbity" (gravity)
***
D(6) muses: "Some girls are nice, but not all. Some girls aren't."
Me: "That's true."
D: "N is one of the nice girls."
N: [beams happily]
D: [thinks a moment...] "I'm one of the nice boys."
Yes, yes you are.
***
One for my German speaking friends... I'm crying with laughter!
D: Was heißt dämlich?
Me: Stupid D [confused]: stupid bread
Me: Why is bread stupid??
D: ... unser dämliches Brot gib uns heute...?
***
D(5): is he called Iron Man because he irons things?
***
Mr. is about to take D(5) out to the forest for a bit of fresh air. Suddenly I hear the shower going upstairs...
Me: Oh that's odd, daddy's having a shower now?
N: maybe daddy doesn't want to be stinky in the forest?
D: he doesn't want the forest to go ex-stinkt!
***
Actual conversation in our house....
N: it's great to have a little brother! He'll be my friend for my whole life.
Me: yes, I hope he'll be around long after me and your daddy have died, and be your best friend.
N: actually dad will die first.
D: that's right, because he's oldest!
Me: ...
Mr.: yeah you know usually men die earlier than women do so it's probably true. It's because men work harder than women. [winks]
D: Well I don't!
Randomly overheard D(5) role-playing with N - he is being Frankincense's Monster
... a very Catholic villain
***
Bedtime story time. D(5) chooses a book.
Mr.: "Good choice! Let's read."
D: "I'll read it!"
Mr. [surprised]: "right, ok, go for it then..."
D: [takes the book, flips through some pages as he looks at them] "DONE!"
Mr.: ...
N: ...
I guess he never said he'd read it TO US.
***
D is drinking a lot of juice before lunch.
Mr.: Don't drink too much now or you won't be able to eat lunch!
D: I have a very big belly. It can handle 73 foods!
Ok then...
***
D, at bedtime: "Mum, do anacondas resist?"
Me: "Resist what?"
D: "Do they resist?"
Me: "Do they resist what?"
D: "R-e-s-i-s-t, do anacondas resist?"
Me: "I don't know what you mean..."
D [slowly pronouncing every word]: "Do... anacondas... resist?"
Me: ...
D: "Do they resist, mama?"
Me [figuring it's a 50/50 gamble]: "Yes. Yes they do." ...
D: "But not in England, right?"
...EXist was what he meant!!
***
Another golden switch, after playing titanium devil (Tasmanian)... he's on a roll
***
Listening to Mr. try to follow the football with running commentary provided by the kids: priceless
"Why did the red do that?"
"Look, the green is running!"
"Who did win?"
"Why is the grass stripy?"
"Can the white one still run?"
"I can run faster than that!" ...
He got them into bed at halftime, shame, I was enjoying the football for once!
***
D has been saving up money in his purse, and is showing it to dad.
Mr.: wow, that's a lot of money you have! What will you buy yourself with that?
D: I will buy myself... a toilet!!!
Actual exchange between the children... they are playing with cars and N(6) does something D(4) thinks is bad.
D [loud]: HEY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!
N: [...] (looks a bit deflated but says nothing)
D: [checks out the damage and fixes it] ...sorry I shouted at you.
Their relationship just blesses my heart so much.
***
Mr. reading the kids an encyclopaedia about dinosaurs for bedtime. He's struggling with some of the names.
Mr.: this is... a... di... a dilophosaurus.
D: no, I don't think that's a dilophosaurus.
Mr.: why don't you think it's a dilophosaurus?
D: look, it doesn't have a double crest!
... I'll take your word for it, son....
***
It's hailing, we're watching from indoors.
D: I know hail comes from Lucifer!
Me: how...? D: well it's - [slowly] hail!
***
My new favourite word by D(4): "crabbity" (Gravity)
***
Mr. has roughhoused hard with the kids and collapses on the bed.
D: why are you like this, daddy?
Mr.: because I'm knackered!
D: why are you knackered?
Me: because he's working hard to entertain you! He's more fun than me, he works harder at it...
D: I work harder than you too!
Is that so, son? Not!
***
Me to N: could you close that door please, miss?
D: why do you call N miss?
Me: because she's a young girl, they're called miss
D: so you are a miss?
Me: no, I'm a Mrs. That's because I'm married. And you are a Master.
D: why am I a Mazda?
*to explain: we drive a Mazda so that's why that came to his mind!
***
We're watching Andy's Aquatic Adventures. Both kids are very into it.
Mr. asks D - do you want to be a researcher when you grow up?
D: no
Mr.: so what do you want to be when you grow up?
D: a human.
***
Bought the kids a fancy, colour-changing bubble bath. Yay, it's red but in the water it goes blue!
Kids: oh cool, it's gone blue! What colour will it be next?
Me: well, this is the colour change...
D: ah, it'll stay blue? Why is it always blue mum?
N: what colour will it be tomorrow, I wonder?
Me: …
High expectations...
***
The kids are playing with the dolls house.
D: "Hey no, boys don't cook, only mummies do!"
[Mr. & I look at each other - uh oh, what did we teach him??]
D: "That's because it's dangerous, you need a grown up to cook with!"
[Phew.]
***
D woke up and told me that his name has "three bits". After a bit of digging I understood he meant syllables, and we've been going through all the names and words today counting syllables - both kids have totally and suddenly got it! Love the natural way kids just learn
***
Another gem from N... we're going to bed, it's a difficult bedtime with kids way too excited and I'm telling them to lie down and be quiet.
N, accusingly: When I grow up and have children, I'll never hurt their feelings.
I'll remind you of that, sweetheart.
***
Kids are having a bath. D splashes N.
N: don't splash me!
D: but why?
N: I can't sleep if you splash me. So I'll build myself a bed with walls!
D: But I can still splash you! *splashes*
N: Oh no! I'll never be able to sleep again if you spash me! And then I'll die and I'll be in heaven and I'll never see you or mummy or daddy again and I'll really miss you!
That escalated quickly…
***
D, waking up: Mama, can you give me Mars?
Me: what?
D: Please can you give me Mars?
Me: I'm not sure what you mean?
D: Mars! Please can you give me Mars?
Me: [thinking, we never have Mars bars at home but maybe he's had them at the grandparents...]
D: you know, Mars with volcanoes and robots and rocks...
Me: oh, the planet! Um, I don't think I can give you that--
D: okay, then can you give me the world please?
He's not asking for much is he....
***
Overheard as kids were playing with dolls house: "Make love, make love, make love!"
Me: better go investigate, what on earth are they playing...!
Stick head around the corner to listen in... turns out it's: "My glove, my glove, my glove!"
***
When a Christian child tells a story:
D(4): So one day we were in the forest and we came upon a lion and we killed it so it couldn't eat us. Then we were all safe. Amen.
***
I'm in bed with N(5) as she goes to sleep. Her belly rumbles.
N: Mum I think my belly is more tired than me.
Me: Huh, why is that?
N: It's snoring already!
***
N is looking at her legs.
N: why do we have beauty spots?
D: because we're beautiful!
…yes, yes you are!
***
N: Can you please give me a more beautiful name than the one I have?
Me: Oh? But I love your name! What name would you prefer then?
N: How about Judy?
***
I'm listening to the kids reading books together upstairs. They've found one about ancient Egypt.
D: Look that's the Pharaoh.
N: He's sleeping! [probably a grave / tomb picture]
D: Here's his eye!
N: He's sleeping with one eye open!
D: That's just a big eye.
N: Look he's sleeping with his cuddly toy!
Note to self: I've got to check out this picture they were looking at. I'm dying to know what the cuddly toy is!
***
New English-ism by D(3): I am be careful-ing!
***
Fun fact: when the kids name a toy, it's almost always either Andy or the toy's species with -y at the end.
We have:
About 22 Andys
Rabbity
Dolphiny
Liony
And as of today, pterodactyl-y
***
Mr. is back to work this morning. The kids discuss that.
D: I don't like daddy going to work.
N: but he has to do it, so we can get money, so we can buy food.
D: but we already have food!
Me: but you're hungry every day so we have to keep buying more food.
D: I'm not hungry every day... I'm tired every day!
(This is hilarious because D's catch phrase right now, if he's fed up or doesn't want to do something, is "I'm too tired!")
***
D(nearly 4) to Mr.: what does glorified mean?
[me: phew, dodged that one!]
Mr.: um, it's, when you sing and worship God...
D: no I think it's Jesus... on the Cross!
Mr.: right.
I'm glad I didn't have to try and explain that one!
***
N to me: you're the best mummy I've ever had!
It was a tough competition but I'm glad I made the cut.
***
We're watching telly, D wants an explanation of something.
D: What does that mean?
Me: Sorry I wasn't listening...
D: [confused] But you have ears!
... this from the boy who couldn't hear a bomb going off next to him when he's concentrating...
***
Mr. has some chocolate but the kids don't know it yet.
D, randomly: "I love you dad!"
Mr.: "Oh what a beautiful thing to say, look I have some chocolate for you."
N: "I love you dad!"
Mr.: "I'm not sure but I get the sense you only love me for the chocolate..."
D: "Yeah."
N: nods.
Some questions you just shouldn't ask.
***
Profound conversation going on right now. N has an amazing understanding of theology....
D: does Jesus love us?
N: Yes, Yes he does.
D: why does Jesus love us?
N: because he... *thinks* because he made us!
D: oh. *thinks* did he make the plants as well?
N: Yes, He did make everything!
D: and is Jesus God?
N: Yes, He is.
D: and is the Holy Spirit God?
N: Yes, He is the pigeon.
Listening to N sing to herself... ..."come and behold him, born the King of angels... Oh come let us adore him..."
[Me: oh how sweet]
"... Oh come let us adore him, oh come let us adore him, Christ the Lad!"
[Me: …]
***
D: Mama, I want to play with your hair.
Me: What, why?
D: Because you are very beautiful.
That boy melts my heart
***
Loving D's word for firefly: torchbee. Logical.
***
Grandma: did Ginger (the cat) go out?
N: no, there are no flat caps.
Everyone: ...?
Oh. Cat flaps!
***
Swahili lesson with Emmanuel:
E: If you don't know anything else, just say I don't know.
Me: what's I don't know?
E: I do not know.
***
Chinese whispers in the car
Sat Nav: turn right on Merlin road.
N: Burnett Road?
D [alarmed]: a burning road???
***
N turns over to sleep (I'm there with them until the kids are asleep).
I hear her whisper: "Dear Jesus, please make me super. Amen."
Me: make you what?
N: Super. So I can help and rescue people.
Me:
N (5 seconds later): Hmm, he hasn't done it yet.
Me: …
***
Kids singing me a love song...
N: Mama, you're our best mummy....
D: we love youuuuuuu....
N: you are like oranges, you are like snowfall....
D: you are like ears....
dunno but I'll take it
***
I often call N babe. Always have, from when she was a tiny babe.
Totally cracked me up today though was hearing D - he was bringing her shoes - say, "here you are, babe!"
D (3) playing with some similar aged boys at camp. An argument ensues as to who is a big boy, a little boy etc.
Other boy: "I'm 4-and-a-half!"
D, ready to trump this: "But I'm a pain in the bum!"
Thanks grandad…
***
D looking at a book about dinosaurs.
D: Look it's a lobster!
Me: ah yes I see it.
D: it's a lady lobster.
Me: how do you know that?
N: because it has eyebrows!
Obviously.
***
My renewed commitment to speaking German with the kids is bearing fruit.
Overheard D saying to Fred: "What are you doing, Fred? Are you schlafing?"
***
Overheard this conversation between my kids... on the issue of cuddles.
D: I like mummy cuddles.
N: Do you like daddy cuddles?
D: yes, I like daddy cuddles...
N: ... they are nice with whiskers.
D: I like whiskers.
N: But you can always have a mummy cuddle.
D: but with no whiskers.
N: that's right.
***
Mr.: stop scratching yourself so hard you're going to damage yourself!
D: I'm not scratching, I'm stroking myself hard!
***
I gave D the cordless vacuum (he loves it) and he went off happily.
A little while later N finds me, wide eyed...
N: Mum, mum, it's a disaster!!!
Me: What? [racing to D to see what happened]
Turns out the battery died and it stopped working. A tad dramatic, my daughter?
***
It's always N defending D when I scold him - he's usually the one who needs to be told off! But this morning I told N off for something, and as I spoke D came up, took hold of my arm to get my attention and said, "Mama my heart hurts!"
Me: Why is that? Are you sad?
D: My heart is sad because you are angry at N.
***
N: [howls] Me: Are you a wolf?
N: No, I'm only pretending to be a wolf...
Me: Ah.
N: ... I'm actually a dog.
***
N: mummy, because I'm your daughter I know EVERYTHING! - a compliment?
***
Exploring concepts with D:
D: I'm not a child, I'm a boy! N is a child.
Me: you are a boy and a child. N is a girl and a child.
D: you are a mummy and a child!
Me: erm no, I'm a mummy and a grown-up.
D: no, you are a grown-down!
***
D, throwing a tantrum because he's not getting his way: "I am NOT very happy!" - I am raising a true Englishman.
***
Overhearing a conversation upstairs....
N: I really want to be an old lady.
Mr,: oh? How old would you be then?
N: 28. I'm not afraid to die.
***
D makes meowing noises.
Me: hello kitty!
D: [frowns at me and meows again]
Me: are you a cat?
D: [deadpan] No. I am D.
***
D: [handing me a piece of apple that may or may not have been in his mouth] Mama, you have this!
Me: [sarcastically] Thanks my boy.
D: Enjoy!
***
To help D go to sleep, I normally have to put my hand on his (bare) bottom. But not today.
I put my hand there and got this: "No mama, you have cold hands! My bottom don't like cold hands!" - he's got standards...
***
The kids are picking up lots of German snippets. Here's today's howler from N.
Me (German): do you need the toilet?
N: Nein danke. [No thank you]
Me (German): ok I'll go to the toilet, you stay here.
N: ok, gute Reise! [safe journey]
***
N just declared: "All the people in the world are my best friends!" - that's N in a nutshell, really.
***
[in Vienna] I was glad D continues to use mostly English when he pointed at a fully veiled Muslim lady on the bus and shouted "A ghost!!!"
***
Mr. to N: Mummy always leaves things so messy.
N: But mummy is a good mummy!
My defender
Walking home from nursery we see a house with Christmas lights.
N: I love Christmas!
Me: What do you know about Christmas?
N: Santa Claus!
Me: oh, what about him?
N: he has reindeer and he goes on a sled to go to the houses!
Me: and what does he do there?
N: he goes inside, and there is fire.
Me: a fire?
N: yes, a fire on the table!
Me: so what does he do then?
N: he calls fireman Sam! And he comes and puts out the fire!
... I think we need to work on the Christmas story a bit.
***
At Liverpool maritime museum public toilets. I'm helping N on the toilet, in a stall.
N: You are my favourite mama!
[Stranger in neighbouring stall]: Ahh!
N: what was that?
[Stranger]: Sorry but that was just too sweet!
N: [looks chuffed with herself]
***
N: Mama?
Me: Yes?
N: You're a lovely lady for looking after us.
***
D: Dump-dumpy, up on a wall! Dump-dumpy, all broken. SING IT MAMA!
Guess the song....
***
At playgroup today I said something that D didn't catch, so he turns to me and goes, "I beg your pardon?"
2 years old!
***
Waking up from naptime, I'm keeping my eyes closed.
N: you can be sleeping beauty, and I can be the prince.
Me: the prince?
N: yes, Prince Philip.
I don't think I want any kisses, thanks!
***
D has started introducing himself when he meets new people: "D! Baby brother! N!"
***
Breakfast time.
Mr.: let's have crumpets.
N: yes! I want two! [there are only 2 left]
Mr.: you want two... but then what's D going to have?
N: a carrot!
Such a lovely big sister.
***
The curious world of a 4 year old...
N to Mr.: I need to go to the dentist.
Mr.: oh do you? Why?
N: because you have big muscles.
Mr.: ....
N: I'll take you there sometime. It's at the back of behind.
Mr.: sounds interesting.
***
Actual exchange between my children this morning.... N has a fly swatter in her hand. D wants it.
D: want this!
N: No.
D: [deafening aggressive screech at her]
N: [hands it over, looking close to tears]
D: [walking away with it, cheerfully] Thank you N!
***
The story of two very different temperaments: We're having lunch at the dining table. D (2) takes a mouthful of squash, looks at me, and spits it out. I look at him seriously and say, don't do that.
He takes another mouthful, holds my gaze for a long time, then spits it out again. I stand up, walk over to him, take his cup away and raise my voice: I told you not to do that. I'm angry you did it again!
He holds my gaze a moment... then says, sorry mummy.
Meanwhile, scared crying from the other end of the table because I raised my voice. It doesn't take much with N (3.5), she has such a soft heart...
***
When your 3.5yo and 2yo spend all evening at home ed camp playing with the teenagers and the next morning you hear them all greet them like old friends - "alright D?"
***
N, shouting to me from another room: Mum!
Me: yes?
N: Come over here, I have work to do!
[Work for me to do, presumably....]
***
Met up with a new friend for a playdate, he's the same age as N. He was telling N how he wanted to be a policeman when he grew up... then he asked N what she wanted to be when she grew up. I was intrigued for the answer - I've never asked her!
She thought for a minute. Then: "A cow!"
***
New word added to my vocabulary today: craftastrophy.
Def.: what happens when I try to do crafts with my kids. Also: the reason I generally don't even try.
***
N singing to D: Row Row Row your bed gently up the creek - if you see a teapot, don't forget to cheese!
N, playing: "Doctor, send a medic! Mr Rabbit has a wet bottom!"
***
N: My eyes are very small!
Me & Mr.: ....
Oh, you're tired!
***
N: [sticking two almonds in her nose] Helloooo, I'm a triceratops!
***
D's first words include:
- This! (Pointing at the object he wants)
- Dad
- Poo poo
- Row Row (boat)
- Lights!
- Star (sing twinkle twinkle!)
- Sit! (to Fred)
...
Not mama
***
N to Mr.: Why did you put the potato in the sink?
Mr.: What? I didn't put any potato in the sink.
N: I am very cross that you put potato in the sink.
Mr.: But I didn't, so you don't need to be cross.
N: Ok. That's fine.
That's a new one... I'm asking N to eat her breakfast.
N: "But I can't! My teeth are gone, because the mouse took them and now the mouse is gone!"
***
Hearing your own words from your child's mouth: priceless...
Mr. accidentally bumped N on the head.
N: Ouch, you bumped my head! It's sore.... I am NOT happy!
***
N: Mama, you are lovely.
Me: thank you, so are you! How about daddy, is he lovely too?
N: No!
Me: what is he then?
N: Old.
***
Watching YouTube videos of aeroplanes (currently Eurofighters) with N. They're flying around, taking off, landing.... all with N's helpful encouragement shouted at the TV: well done! Good job! You can do it! Cracks me up
***
Me: N, you're such a delight.
N: yeah.
Me: you're beautiful!
N: yes I am!
Job done
***
N: Mama, I love you.
Me: I love you too.
N: D loves you.
Me: Yes, I love him too.
N: Everybody loves you!
This girl is a born encourager
***
I'm in bed with D, feeding him to sleep. Hear N(2) trying to play with Mr.:
N: "Daddy, you are a shark!"
Mr.: "I am a what?"
N: "A shark!"
"A sock?"
"A shark!"
"A sock?"
"A shark!"
"A sock?"
[repeating a few more times....]
N, resigned: "...Okay daddy, a sock."
Dying of laughter...
***
N, sitting next to me on the sofa: "Mama, you do a good good job." Why thank you!
***
Mr. home from finger surgery and is in severe pain. (Prayers appreciated) N’s response to seeing her daddy in pain was the sweetest thing....
First, she kissed it better.
Then, she said "sorry you're in pain."
Next, "let's pray," and she prayed with him.
He's now sitting on a chair and she is not leaving his side, reassuring him repeatedly that he'll be ok.
That girl!
***
Aldi cashier to N(2): "Aren't you a lovely baby!"
N, dead serious: "No. I am a big girl!"
***
N announced this morning, "I am a queen!" - that's my girl. Why be a princess when you can be a queen!
***
N(2) talking while asleep: "Daddy I need to find baked beans!" Love bedsharing haha
***
I love the toddler's literal mind. We were leaving the cafe this evening and I told her, we're going to go now so it's time to say goodbye to all the people here.
As we walked out, she waved and loudly said "Goodbye people!" to every table we passed.
***
Me to N: "I love you!"
N: "That's nice."
***
N: "Mummy!"
Me: "Yes?"
Her: "I love you!"
I think my heart just doubled in size.
2024
The daily surrealism… D(8): mum, what organ am I?
Me: …?
D: well you just said N(10) was your sweetheart…
***
N(10) was asked to fill in a questionnaire about herself. One question: how do you feel about yourself? (Scale of bad to great)
N: duh, what a weird question- great, of course!
And so she should!
***
Neither of my children is particularly blessed with patience. Just overheard this exchange…
N(9): Come on, I need your help! (with a craft project)
Mr.: (busy sorting the recycling): just bear with me a moment…
N: I’m bearing already!
***
D(8): What was the name of the guy again, in the film? Giant Ackman?
Me: [blank] who?
D: Giant Ackman - you know, the one in the film!
Me: .... .
...
Ah, you mean Hugh Jackman!
***
N(9): [dramatic moaning and dragging feet as she approaches the dining table]
Me: I'm going to eat outside, I'm not here for the "I hate this food" drama. Just eat.
N: I'm not dramaing about the food, I'm dramaing because I stubbed my toe!
Ah, ok then. Drama it is, either way.
***
Watching Beauty and the Beast (Disney) together, the villagers singing about how beautiful Belle is, D(7) turns to me: "I think you are much more beautiful than her."
My heart... such pure, sweet love
2023
The kids are playing superheroes, establishing what each can do.
D(7): each of us can have two superpowers. What are yours?
N(9): wrapping vegetables around you and flying.
Oddly specific superpower...
***
N(9), jokingly after making a mistake: "Oh man I'm dumb!"
D: "No you're not. You're actually a very smart girl!"
Those two can be so lovely...
***
Pearl of wisdom for the day from D(7); when I grow up I will have £160 and that's all I will need. I will be rich! (If only we could live as frugally as that!)
***
D(7): I'm almost finished!
N(8): Almost?
D: VERY almost!
***
D(6): What's for dinner? I'm hungry!
Me: Risotto. It'll be 20 minutes.
D(6): What's risotto?
Me: You'll see. I think you'll like it.
D(6): Uh no, things with funny names always taste bad!
***
Chuckle of the day, credit to D(6): We're talking about how Egyptologists study Egypt, and how the student I'm supporting is becoming a criminologist. So -ologist is someone who studies something.
D: I'm going to be a body-ologist!
Me: do you mean, a doctor?
D: No, l'll just study bodies!
Me: But to what end?
D: To all the ends!
***
D(6) has a new Playmobil set, pyramid with Pharaohs.
He finds a male Pharaoh: "Oh look, it's Cleopatrick!"
***
Amazing self awareness - D(6) after an angry meltdown: “I’m so tired I’m starting to not like people!”
I know the feeling, my boy.
2022
Listening to Christmas songs with the kids. “Jesus was born on a beautiful morn…”
N pipes up: why was it a beautiful lawn?
***
Among D's words I will miss when he outgrows them: "Grabbity" (gravity)
***
D(6) muses: "Some girls are nice, but not all. Some girls aren't."
Me: "That's true."
D: "N is one of the nice girls."
N: [beams happily]
D: [thinks a moment...] "I'm one of the nice boys."
Yes, yes you are.
***
One for my German speaking friends... I'm crying with laughter!
D: Was heißt dämlich?
Me: Stupid D [confused]: stupid bread
Me: Why is bread stupid??
D: ... unser dämliches Brot gib uns heute...?
***
D(5): is he called Iron Man because he irons things?
***
Mr. is about to take D(5) out to the forest for a bit of fresh air. Suddenly I hear the shower going upstairs...
Me: Oh that's odd, daddy's having a shower now?
N: maybe daddy doesn't want to be stinky in the forest?
D: he doesn't want the forest to go ex-stinkt!
***
Actual conversation in our house....
N: it's great to have a little brother! He'll be my friend for my whole life.
Me: yes, I hope he'll be around long after me and your daddy have died, and be your best friend.
N: actually dad will die first.
D: that's right, because he's oldest!
Me: ...
Mr.: yeah you know usually men die earlier than women do so it's probably true. It's because men work harder than women. [winks]
D: Well I don't!
2021
Randomly overheard D(5) role-playing with N - he is being Frankincense's Monster
... a very Catholic villain
***
Bedtime story time. D(5) chooses a book.
Mr.: "Good choice! Let's read."
D: "I'll read it!"
Mr. [surprised]: "right, ok, go for it then..."
D: [takes the book, flips through some pages as he looks at them] "DONE!"
Mr.: ...
N: ...
I guess he never said he'd read it TO US.
***
D is drinking a lot of juice before lunch.
Mr.: Don't drink too much now or you won't be able to eat lunch!
D: I have a very big belly. It can handle 73 foods!
Ok then...
***
D, at bedtime: "Mum, do anacondas resist?"
Me: "Resist what?"
D: "Do they resist?"
Me: "Do they resist what?"
D: "R-e-s-i-s-t, do anacondas resist?"
Me: "I don't know what you mean..."
D [slowly pronouncing every word]: "Do... anacondas... resist?"
Me: ...
D: "Do they resist, mama?"
Me [figuring it's a 50/50 gamble]: "Yes. Yes they do." ...
D: "But not in England, right?"
...EXist was what he meant!!
***
Another golden switch, after playing titanium devil (Tasmanian)... he's on a roll
***
Listening to Mr. try to follow the football with running commentary provided by the kids: priceless
"Why did the red do that?"
"Look, the green is running!"
"Who did win?"
"Why is the grass stripy?"
"Can the white one still run?"
"I can run faster than that!" ...
He got them into bed at halftime, shame, I was enjoying the football for once!
***
D has been saving up money in his purse, and is showing it to dad.
Mr.: wow, that's a lot of money you have! What will you buy yourself with that?
D: I will buy myself... a toilet!!!
2020
Actual exchange between the children... they are playing with cars and N(6) does something D(4) thinks is bad.
D [loud]: HEY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!
N: [...] (looks a bit deflated but says nothing)
D: [checks out the damage and fixes it] ...sorry I shouted at you.
Their relationship just blesses my heart so much.
***
Mr. reading the kids an encyclopaedia about dinosaurs for bedtime. He's struggling with some of the names.
Mr.: this is... a... di... a dilophosaurus.
D: no, I don't think that's a dilophosaurus.
Mr.: why don't you think it's a dilophosaurus?
D: look, it doesn't have a double crest!
... I'll take your word for it, son....
***
It's hailing, we're watching from indoors.
D: I know hail comes from Lucifer!
Me: how...? D: well it's - [slowly] hail!
***
My new favourite word by D(4): "crabbity" (Gravity)
***
Mr. has roughhoused hard with the kids and collapses on the bed.
D: why are you like this, daddy?
Mr.: because I'm knackered!
D: why are you knackered?
Me: because he's working hard to entertain you! He's more fun than me, he works harder at it...
D: I work harder than you too!
Is that so, son? Not!
***
Me to N: could you close that door please, miss?
D: why do you call N miss?
Me: because she's a young girl, they're called miss
D: so you are a miss?
Me: no, I'm a Mrs. That's because I'm married. And you are a Master.
D: why am I a Mazda?
*to explain: we drive a Mazda so that's why that came to his mind!
***
We're watching Andy's Aquatic Adventures. Both kids are very into it.
Mr. asks D - do you want to be a researcher when you grow up?
D: no
Mr.: so what do you want to be when you grow up?
D: a human.
***
Bought the kids a fancy, colour-changing bubble bath. Yay, it's red but in the water it goes blue!
Kids: oh cool, it's gone blue! What colour will it be next?
Me: well, this is the colour change...
D: ah, it'll stay blue? Why is it always blue mum?
N: what colour will it be tomorrow, I wonder?
Me: …
High expectations...
***
The kids are playing with the dolls house.
D: "Hey no, boys don't cook, only mummies do!"
[Mr. & I look at each other - uh oh, what did we teach him??]
D: "That's because it's dangerous, you need a grown up to cook with!"
[Phew.]
***
D woke up and told me that his name has "three bits". After a bit of digging I understood he meant syllables, and we've been going through all the names and words today counting syllables - both kids have totally and suddenly got it! Love the natural way kids just learn
***
Another gem from N... we're going to bed, it's a difficult bedtime with kids way too excited and I'm telling them to lie down and be quiet.
N, accusingly: When I grow up and have children, I'll never hurt their feelings.
I'll remind you of that, sweetheart.
***
Kids are having a bath. D splashes N.
N: don't splash me!
D: but why?
N: I can't sleep if you splash me. So I'll build myself a bed with walls!
D: But I can still splash you! *splashes*
N: Oh no! I'll never be able to sleep again if you spash me! And then I'll die and I'll be in heaven and I'll never see you or mummy or daddy again and I'll really miss you!
That escalated quickly…
***
D, waking up: Mama, can you give me Mars?
Me: what?
D: Please can you give me Mars?
Me: I'm not sure what you mean?
D: Mars! Please can you give me Mars?
Me: [thinking, we never have Mars bars at home but maybe he's had them at the grandparents...]
D: you know, Mars with volcanoes and robots and rocks...
Me: oh, the planet! Um, I don't think I can give you that--
D: okay, then can you give me the world please?
He's not asking for much is he....
***
Overheard as kids were playing with dolls house: "Make love, make love, make love!"
Me: better go investigate, what on earth are they playing...!
Stick head around the corner to listen in... turns out it's: "My glove, my glove, my glove!"
***
When a Christian child tells a story:
D(4): So one day we were in the forest and we came upon a lion and we killed it so it couldn't eat us. Then we were all safe. Amen.
***
I'm in bed with N(5) as she goes to sleep. Her belly rumbles.
N: Mum I think my belly is more tired than me.
Me: Huh, why is that?
N: It's snoring already!
***
N is looking at her legs.
N: why do we have beauty spots?
D: because we're beautiful!
…yes, yes you are!
***
N: Can you please give me a more beautiful name than the one I have?
Me: Oh? But I love your name! What name would you prefer then?
N: How about Judy?
***
I'm listening to the kids reading books together upstairs. They've found one about ancient Egypt.
D: Look that's the Pharaoh.
N: He's sleeping! [probably a grave / tomb picture]
D: Here's his eye!
N: He's sleeping with one eye open!
D: That's just a big eye.
N: Look he's sleeping with his cuddly toy!
Note to self: I've got to check out this picture they were looking at. I'm dying to know what the cuddly toy is!
***
New English-ism by D(3): I am be careful-ing!
***
Fun fact: when the kids name a toy, it's almost always either Andy or the toy's species with -y at the end.
We have:
About 22 Andys
Rabbity
Dolphiny
Liony
And as of today, pterodactyl-y
***
Mr. is back to work this morning. The kids discuss that.
D: I don't like daddy going to work.
N: but he has to do it, so we can get money, so we can buy food.
D: but we already have food!
Me: but you're hungry every day so we have to keep buying more food.
D: I'm not hungry every day... I'm tired every day!
(This is hilarious because D's catch phrase right now, if he's fed up or doesn't want to do something, is "I'm too tired!")
***
D(nearly 4) to Mr.: what does glorified mean?
[me: phew, dodged that one!]
Mr.: um, it's, when you sing and worship God...
D: no I think it's Jesus... on the Cross!
Mr.: right.
I'm glad I didn't have to try and explain that one!
***
N to me: you're the best mummy I've ever had!
It was a tough competition but I'm glad I made the cut.
***
We're watching telly, D wants an explanation of something.
D: What does that mean?
Me: Sorry I wasn't listening...
D: [confused] But you have ears!
... this from the boy who couldn't hear a bomb going off next to him when he's concentrating...
***
Mr. has some chocolate but the kids don't know it yet.
D, randomly: "I love you dad!"
Mr.: "Oh what a beautiful thing to say, look I have some chocolate for you."
N: "I love you dad!"
Mr.: "I'm not sure but I get the sense you only love me for the chocolate..."
D: "Yeah."
N: nods.
Some questions you just shouldn't ask.
***
Profound conversation going on right now. N has an amazing understanding of theology....
D: does Jesus love us?
N: Yes, Yes he does.
D: why does Jesus love us?
N: because he... *thinks* because he made us!
D: oh. *thinks* did he make the plants as well?
N: Yes, He did make everything!
D: and is Jesus God?
N: Yes, He is.
D: and is the Holy Spirit God?
N: Yes, He is the pigeon.
2019
Listening to N sing to herself... ..."come and behold him, born the King of angels... Oh come let us adore him..."
[Me: oh how sweet]
"... Oh come let us adore him, oh come let us adore him, Christ the Lad!"
[Me: …]
***
D: Mama, I want to play with your hair.
Me: What, why?
D: Because you are very beautiful.
That boy melts my heart
***
Loving D's word for firefly: torchbee. Logical.
***
Grandma: did Ginger (the cat) go out?
N: no, there are no flat caps.
Everyone: ...?
Oh. Cat flaps!
***
Swahili lesson with Emmanuel:
E: If you don't know anything else, just say I don't know.
Me: what's I don't know?
E: I do not know.
***
Chinese whispers in the car
Sat Nav: turn right on Merlin road.
N: Burnett Road?
D [alarmed]: a burning road???
***
N turns over to sleep (I'm there with them until the kids are asleep).
I hear her whisper: "Dear Jesus, please make me super. Amen."
Me: make you what?
N: Super. So I can help and rescue people.
Me:
N (5 seconds later): Hmm, he hasn't done it yet.
Me: …
***
Kids singing me a love song...
N: Mama, you're our best mummy....
D: we love youuuuuuu....
N: you are like oranges, you are like snowfall....
D: you are like ears....
dunno but I'll take it
***
I often call N babe. Always have, from when she was a tiny babe.
Totally cracked me up today though was hearing D - he was bringing her shoes - say, "here you are, babe!"
D (3) playing with some similar aged boys at camp. An argument ensues as to who is a big boy, a little boy etc.
Other boy: "I'm 4-and-a-half!"
D, ready to trump this: "But I'm a pain in the bum!"
Thanks grandad…
***
D looking at a book about dinosaurs.
D: Look it's a lobster!
Me: ah yes I see it.
D: it's a lady lobster.
Me: how do you know that?
N: because it has eyebrows!
Obviously.
***
My renewed commitment to speaking German with the kids is bearing fruit.
Overheard D saying to Fred: "What are you doing, Fred? Are you schlafing?"
***
Overheard this conversation between my kids... on the issue of cuddles.
D: I like mummy cuddles.
N: Do you like daddy cuddles?
D: yes, I like daddy cuddles...
N: ... they are nice with whiskers.
D: I like whiskers.
N: But you can always have a mummy cuddle.
D: but with no whiskers.
N: that's right.
***
Mr.: stop scratching yourself so hard you're going to damage yourself!
D: I'm not scratching, I'm stroking myself hard!
***
I gave D the cordless vacuum (he loves it) and he went off happily.
A little while later N finds me, wide eyed...
N: Mum, mum, it's a disaster!!!
Me: What? [racing to D to see what happened]
Turns out the battery died and it stopped working. A tad dramatic, my daughter?
***
It's always N defending D when I scold him - he's usually the one who needs to be told off! But this morning I told N off for something, and as I spoke D came up, took hold of my arm to get my attention and said, "Mama my heart hurts!"
Me: Why is that? Are you sad?
D: My heart is sad because you are angry at N.
***
N: [howls] Me: Are you a wolf?
N: No, I'm only pretending to be a wolf...
Me: Ah.
N: ... I'm actually a dog.
***
N: mummy, because I'm your daughter I know EVERYTHING! - a compliment?
***
Exploring concepts with D:
D: I'm not a child, I'm a boy! N is a child.
Me: you are a boy and a child. N is a girl and a child.
D: you are a mummy and a child!
Me: erm no, I'm a mummy and a grown-up.
D: no, you are a grown-down!
***
D, throwing a tantrum because he's not getting his way: "I am NOT very happy!" - I am raising a true Englishman.
***
Overhearing a conversation upstairs....
N: I really want to be an old lady.
Mr,: oh? How old would you be then?
N: 28. I'm not afraid to die.
***
D makes meowing noises.
Me: hello kitty!
D: [frowns at me and meows again]
Me: are you a cat?
D: [deadpan] No. I am D.
***
D: [handing me a piece of apple that may or may not have been in his mouth] Mama, you have this!
Me: [sarcastically] Thanks my boy.
D: Enjoy!
***
To help D go to sleep, I normally have to put my hand on his (bare) bottom. But not today.
I put my hand there and got this: "No mama, you have cold hands! My bottom don't like cold hands!" - he's got standards...
***
The kids are picking up lots of German snippets. Here's today's howler from N.
Me (German): do you need the toilet?
N: Nein danke. [No thank you]
Me (German): ok I'll go to the toilet, you stay here.
N: ok, gute Reise! [safe journey]
***
N just declared: "All the people in the world are my best friends!" - that's N in a nutshell, really.
***
[in Vienna] I was glad D continues to use mostly English when he pointed at a fully veiled Muslim lady on the bus and shouted "A ghost!!!"
***
Mr. to N: Mummy always leaves things so messy.
N: But mummy is a good mummy!
My defender
2018
Walking home from nursery we see a house with Christmas lights.
N: I love Christmas!
Me: What do you know about Christmas?
N: Santa Claus!
Me: oh, what about him?
N: he has reindeer and he goes on a sled to go to the houses!
Me: and what does he do there?
N: he goes inside, and there is fire.
Me: a fire?
N: yes, a fire on the table!
Me: so what does he do then?
N: he calls fireman Sam! And he comes and puts out the fire!
... I think we need to work on the Christmas story a bit.
***
At Liverpool maritime museum public toilets. I'm helping N on the toilet, in a stall.
N: You are my favourite mama!
[Stranger in neighbouring stall]: Ahh!
N: what was that?
[Stranger]: Sorry but that was just too sweet!
N: [looks chuffed with herself]
***
N: Mama?
Me: Yes?
N: You're a lovely lady for looking after us.
***
D: Dump-dumpy, up on a wall! Dump-dumpy, all broken. SING IT MAMA!
Guess the song....
***
At playgroup today I said something that D didn't catch, so he turns to me and goes, "I beg your pardon?"
2 years old!
***
Waking up from naptime, I'm keeping my eyes closed.
N: you can be sleeping beauty, and I can be the prince.
Me: the prince?
N: yes, Prince Philip.
I don't think I want any kisses, thanks!
***
D has started introducing himself when he meets new people: "D! Baby brother! N!"
***
Breakfast time.
Mr.: let's have crumpets.
N: yes! I want two! [there are only 2 left]
Mr.: you want two... but then what's D going to have?
N: a carrot!
Such a lovely big sister.
***
The curious world of a 4 year old...
N to Mr.: I need to go to the dentist.
Mr.: oh do you? Why?
N: because you have big muscles.
Mr.: ....
N: I'll take you there sometime. It's at the back of behind.
Mr.: sounds interesting.
***
Actual exchange between my children this morning.... N has a fly swatter in her hand. D wants it.
D: want this!
N: No.
D: [deafening aggressive screech at her]
N: [hands it over, looking close to tears]
D: [walking away with it, cheerfully] Thank you N!
***
The story of two very different temperaments: We're having lunch at the dining table. D (2) takes a mouthful of squash, looks at me, and spits it out. I look at him seriously and say, don't do that.
He takes another mouthful, holds my gaze for a long time, then spits it out again. I stand up, walk over to him, take his cup away and raise my voice: I told you not to do that. I'm angry you did it again!
He holds my gaze a moment... then says, sorry mummy.
Meanwhile, scared crying from the other end of the table because I raised my voice. It doesn't take much with N (3.5), she has such a soft heart...
***
When your 3.5yo and 2yo spend all evening at home ed camp playing with the teenagers and the next morning you hear them all greet them like old friends - "alright D?"
***
N, shouting to me from another room: Mum!
Me: yes?
N: Come over here, I have work to do!
[Work for me to do, presumably....]
***
Met up with a new friend for a playdate, he's the same age as N. He was telling N how he wanted to be a policeman when he grew up... then he asked N what she wanted to be when she grew up. I was intrigued for the answer - I've never asked her!
She thought for a minute. Then: "A cow!"
***
New word added to my vocabulary today: craftastrophy.
Def.: what happens when I try to do crafts with my kids. Also: the reason I generally don't even try.
***
N singing to D: Row Row Row your bed gently up the creek - if you see a teapot, don't forget to cheese!
N, playing: "Doctor, send a medic! Mr Rabbit has a wet bottom!"
***
N: My eyes are very small!
Me & Mr.: ....
Oh, you're tired!
***
N: [sticking two almonds in her nose] Helloooo, I'm a triceratops!
***
D's first words include:
- This! (Pointing at the object he wants)
- Dad
- Poo poo
- Row Row (boat)
- Lights!
- Star (sing twinkle twinkle!)
- Sit! (to Fred)
...
Not mama
***
N to Mr.: Why did you put the potato in the sink?
Mr.: What? I didn't put any potato in the sink.
N: I am very cross that you put potato in the sink.
Mr.: But I didn't, so you don't need to be cross.
N: Ok. That's fine.
2017
That's a new one... I'm asking N to eat her breakfast.
N: "But I can't! My teeth are gone, because the mouse took them and now the mouse is gone!"
***
Hearing your own words from your child's mouth: priceless...
Mr. accidentally bumped N on the head.
N: Ouch, you bumped my head! It's sore.... I am NOT happy!
***
N: Mama, you are lovely.
Me: thank you, so are you! How about daddy, is he lovely too?
N: No!
Me: what is he then?
N: Old.
***
Watching YouTube videos of aeroplanes (currently Eurofighters) with N. They're flying around, taking off, landing.... all with N's helpful encouragement shouted at the TV: well done! Good job! You can do it! Cracks me up
***
Me: N, you're such a delight.
N: yeah.
Me: you're beautiful!
N: yes I am!
Job done
***
N: Mama, I love you.
Me: I love you too.
N: D loves you.
Me: Yes, I love him too.
N: Everybody loves you!
This girl is a born encourager
***
I'm in bed with D, feeding him to sleep. Hear N(2) trying to play with Mr.:
N: "Daddy, you are a shark!"
Mr.: "I am a what?"
N: "A shark!"
"A sock?"
"A shark!"
"A sock?"
"A shark!"
"A sock?"
[repeating a few more times....]
N, resigned: "...Okay daddy, a sock."
Dying of laughter...
***
N, sitting next to me on the sofa: "Mama, you do a good good job." Why thank you!
***
Mr. home from finger surgery and is in severe pain. (Prayers appreciated) N’s response to seeing her daddy in pain was the sweetest thing....
First, she kissed it better.
Then, she said "sorry you're in pain."
Next, "let's pray," and she prayed with him.
He's now sitting on a chair and she is not leaving his side, reassuring him repeatedly that he'll be ok.
That girl!
***
Aldi cashier to N(2): "Aren't you a lovely baby!"
N, dead serious: "No. I am a big girl!"
***
N announced this morning, "I am a queen!" - that's my girl. Why be a princess when you can be a queen!
***
N(2) talking while asleep: "Daddy I need to find baked beans!" Love bedsharing haha
***
I love the toddler's literal mind. We were leaving the cafe this evening and I told her, we're going to go now so it's time to say goodbye to all the people here.
As we walked out, she waved and loudly said "Goodbye people!" to every table we passed.
***
Me to N: "I love you!"
N: "That's nice."
***
N: "Mummy!"
Me: "Yes?"
Her: "I love you!"
I think my heart just doubled in size.
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