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Get to know me: I'm all in

I've always been full on.

  • My sister asked me recently: can't you relax about things a bit?
  • My friend in college once said to me: there's nothing humble about your opinions.
  • My housemates in Winchester had a saying: don't ask S for her opinion, because you'll get it!

Always intense.
I won't write that I'm 'too' opinionated... because I really don't think I ought to apologise for who I am. But anyone who knows me, knows: I'm not ambivalent about many things. As Captain Kathryn Janeway once said when asked for her thoughts - you've come to the right place, I always have an opinion! 

Frankly I do think I'm getting mellower than I used to be, certainly more humble about the fact that I may not have all the information there is - but yeah, I'm still largely either all in or all out. Either hot or cold. 

As readers of this blog know, that doesn't mean I can't change my thinking... 

  • I went vegan at 18 for the animals, was a very convinced vegan for many years, and changed at 40 when I saw what it did to my daughter's teeth. 
  • I was convinced I didn't want children, and struggled through a deep paradigm shift during my pregnancy - and when my daughter arrived, I fully embraced motherhood and am fully there now, with joy and commitment. 
  • I grew up atheist and became a Christian at 21 when convinced by the historical evidence, and then a Catholic at 40 when convinced by more historical evidence. Truth is truth, and I'll always follow that over my personal preferences - experience has shown me that my preferences will follow my convictions.

So, on the plus side, I commit to things fully and completely. This means that before I got married, I embraced being single - loved it, enjoyed having no children; and after I got married, even if I didn't have faith and viewed it as a sacrament, my commitment to my marriage means I am completely there, without leaving myself a back door. Or another example, I can't do my job half heartedly... it's a great job in that way, because it requires full concentration and that suits me very well; but when I got started in the working world it took me quite a bit of bouncing around before I realised I need to care about the cause of a job, not just the paycheck, because I just cannot dedicate myself to something I don't care about.

But there's certainly a dark side to this full-on personality, and that is addiction. Coming from a family of alcoholics on both sides, I have never touched alcohol; I've never been drunk in my life. That is because I know, just by looking at how I handle other things, that I would likely lose myself there. Same with drugs, I just haven't gone there and I won't. Because I can't even handle a good book! I have pulled so many all-nighters with Stephen King and then couldn't function the next day that I have not actually read fiction since my daughter was born - because I really need my sleep to be there for the kids...


Food is another addiction. I cannot avoid food, I have to eat, but I've never been normal about food. Extremes in all directions. This is now under control but only because I follow an extremely regimented food plan, every day, every meal is committed in advance to a sponsor, each ingredient weighed, no matter what, no exceptions - way too much commitment for most people, but for me it spells freedom because I'm no longer in charge of making decisions in that area. Unlike drugs or alcohol, food can't be avoided, and so this way of eating is teaching me about being measured in other areas too - it's mellowing me, away from the all or nothing mindset that comes naturally to me. I can't be all or nothing with the food; I have to eat it in a measured way. There are other addictive things in my life that I need to approach in this measured way, such as my smartphone: I struggle to find a healthy balance with it, but find it I must! Because I cannot give it up altogether as there are things I need on it, things that enhance my life; but like food, too much and/or the wrong stuff impacts my life (and that of others around me) negatively.

What's funny is that with all my intensity in terms of opinions, convictions and addictions, I don't consider myself an emotional person. I guess the things I'm intense about are left brain things - whereas emotions, creativity and the like are right brain things that I'm just not very in touch with. But that's something I am trying to work on... to be more creative, like writing and crocheting and sometimes even painting; and to allow my emotions, which were shut down so completely during my growing up years for safety - this lockdown no longer serves me, and it's the work of years and decades to come out of that shell a bit. One day at a time.

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