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Loving boundaries for my children

There was a writing group topic recently that really got me thinking. It was about "tough love", a term I find can be a bit problematic because it's just another term for punishment. The way I see it, love has nothing to do with punishment but it can have a lot to do with holding a boundary: a healthy boundary. A sustainable boundary. 

I grew up largely without boundaries. My father, at least while I was little and before he fully succumbed to drinking at all times, subscribed to a parenting philosophy I can only describe as unparenting - that is, simply allowing everything. "Don't fence the child in, let her develop without constraints!"... every time my mother attempted to correct or discipline me, he would either stop her or undermine her afterwards to undo it. She eventually gave up trying.

As a result, I was a truly unlikeable child who had no idea of what was and wasn't appropriate, who thought of myself as an equal to the adults around, who expected things to go my way at all times or else. And at the same time I was deeply, deeply confused and insecure because sometimes things would blow up big because I had gone way above and beyond a boundary I didn't know was there. 

As a parent now, I am very different. I give my children clear boundaries, which I communicate clearly and within which they have freedom. I do try to say yes as often as I can, but when I do have to say no, that will not change. - well actually, I need to modify that statement: that was the case when they were little. Now they're growing older, 6 and 5, and if they have a good reason or argument to bring then I will listen and I might change the no. Although it never changes in response to anger, aggression, crying or whining (which, by now, is an extremely rare occurrence from them anyway); but if they do have a good argument why I should say yes, I'm always open to hearing it. However, when the answer is no and they don't like it, I am there for them in their disappointment... but the boundary stands, it's safe. 

As a result, they are very secure and happy children: and they do take no for an answer the vast majority of the time I have to say it. Is that tough love? I don't know - the way I see it, it is simply caring love. Giving and holding boundaries to them is love. I wouldn't do the work of teaching them boundaries if I didn't care: and the lack of boundaries growing up felt a lot like lack of love. No one cared if I was out all day and night at age 10. Some would call that freedom, but it really wasn't.

I am no perfect parent by any stretch. But I am a million times more emotionally available to my children than my parents ever were to me, I am actively shaping their upbringing and giving my little lambs a safe, secure "field" with safe, strong boundaries around it - in which they can play, grow and learn. It's the best I know to do for them.
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