Allowing Dependence

One of the truisms of attachment parenting is that "early dependency equals later independence". The idea is that it's better to allow children to be as dependent on us as they wish - not pushing them away in situations where they cling to us - because it gives them the confidence to know that we will always be there if needed. So when they do go into situations unknown, in their own time, they will go out confident in the knowledge that if things go pear-shaped, we will be there as their safe haven.

That's always been our approach. When they were small, we never made our children do things they weren't comfortable with - even if other children their age did them. Like sleeping alone. 

What I've recently come to understand is that this walk into independence isn't linear - that they are comfortable with something one day, but may not be so the next. They stick their neck out to try something new, they appear happy with it, but then they don't want to do it again for a while. I'm learning to be okay with that. Just because they've done it before, doesn't mean they are happy doing it every time from now on!

And I've also learned that they are now old enough to reason together, and might possibly change their minds... 

This past half term, I booked them into some all-day activities with school children - an outdoor sports day and a forest day. As they had done that before and enjoyed it a lot, I didn't think to ask them (rookie mistake!) before booking, so when the time came and I told them about the day's plans, they didn't like the idea of being left without me there. So we had a conversation about it.

I explained that I always do come back, and that they would be with each other so could look out for one another. That there would be fun activities which they know they enjoy. They took some time thinking about it. Then on the day, as we went to the place, they both clung to me - N(6) explained why: "I don't know anyone here!" - and one of the day's leaders picked up on that and started speaking to her, inviting her, saying all the kids didn't know each other and that she'd walk in with her and help her meet new friends. Then N happily took her hand and walked in, D(4) following right after.

And when I picked them up, they had had a great time. When I asked them if they'd like to do it again, however, the answer was no! Because they didn't like being away from me the entire day.

This was a few weeks ago. Another half term is coming up at the end of this month, and I've learned my lesson: this time I asked first whether they wanted to do the activity I thought they'd like. I explained they'd be without me, but that I would pick them up afterwards. With obviously mixed feelings, they said yes they wanted to go! 

And yet. If ever we get to a place and I'm trying to drop them off and they firmly do not want to go, I would count the £60 lost and leave with them. I will not force them, and they know that. They also know that my expectation is that they will go, as they have said they would - ultimately the choice is theirs, but they know my opinion on it. As they get older and we have a more reasoned relationship, this seems the right way to go: I tell them my opinion or thoughts, but I don't impose my will. 

Another example is the bed saga. On N(6)'s wish, we got rid of the king size floor bed they had shared with me for years because she wanted a high bed like she'd seen at her friend's. At first, she slept up there quite happily - for about a week - but after the novelty wore off, she no longer wants to sleep there. So all three of us are now huddled together on the small (double size) sofa bed underneath. That wasn't the plan, and it wasn't quite how I envisioned things to go! One step forward, one step back again in this dance of independence... she is adamant about not wanting to sleep up there now. D(4) isn't keen either. So we share the double bed below. At bedtime I will ask N sometimes if she'd like to sleep up high, but she never does. She knows I'd prefer her to, but she also knows that I won't force her. So she makes her choice. It's not the most comfortable way to sleep and I'm hoping this phase will pass (soon!) but I think it's important to let her make that choice when she feels ready.

Some would say this is spoiling them. I disagree. My children are very well behaved and respectful, but they are also respected - and they have come to expect to have a voice. I see that as a good thing.