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Letting Go / Keeping Close

In a virtual mother's group I attend, we've been talking about the Ascension and what Jesus did in leaving the disciples in charge of the building of the church... and about our own wisdom in letting our kids make their own mistakes and backing off, versus keeping close - as Jesus himself said, he would "be with you to the end of the age". So which is it?

I think like so many things, it comes down to balance: the both/and. Each person, each family, each mother and child may have a different timetable with that. One mother shared that she felt her 3.5 year old needed to go to nursery and be away from her, so he could grow in his own personality. As for me, I approach the whole thing very differently. 

Letting Go

From when they were very small, I made it a point - learned from the wonderful Charlotte Mason, and probably the only part of her approach that I consistently use - to be available but "uninteresting". We would attend todder groups pretty much every day, and while there, the kids could always be certain I was there and would be available if needed, but I wouldn't be the entertainer. At home also, apart from when I actually engaged and/or played with them, I cultivated a "here but not the main show" type of presence. I'd do things around the house, or at toddler groups I'd talk with other mothers or read; my attention wouldn't be completely on or off them. The payoff of this is that today, the two of them are brilliant at playing together and will do so for ages, with very minimal intervention needed occasionally when things go pear shaped. This is making parenting a million times easier than if they looked to me for their entertainment.

Still, even now - they're 6 and nearly 5 - they prefer to know I am around if needed. They have been to events and clubs on their own, but if it's possible that I'm there then that is their preference.

Keeping Close

I do see them growing by the day, and they're not tiny toddlers any more: these kids are capable. They could easily get by without me at clubs, school or whatever. But they prefer me near. And I prefer to be near them. I see this as a kind of greenhouse of childhood: at this time, they are protected to grow without the things very young children these days are having to cope with - exam stress, peer pressure, bullying - these things shape children. I have the luxury of being able to protect them from all this at this vulnerable, tender young age... so that they can grow strong, and when the time comes for them to face these things, their personalities will be strong enough to deal with them appropriately. 

That said, I don't expect them to put up with bullying, I think that is important to note. At school, children are trapped with their bullies and schools, all too often, are unable or unwilling to intervene. Without school, if they should ever encounter a bully (and bullies are much rarer in the real world!), they will be able to change their situations or pursue appropriate action through HR if it's at the workplace... or change jobs. 

Wisdom

Knowing which way to go - where to tilt the balance between letting them go and forge their own path, and where to keep them close - that is where, for me, wisdom comes in.

I ask God for wisdom every evening as I fall asleep. I need wisdom. I completely rely on God's provision of the Holy Spirit, as he promised, to give me the wisdom I need in relating to my children and loving them well.

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