Softening: a journey

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Every year, while avoiding the pressure of "resolutions", I try to focus on something I want to improve, change, or grow in that year. 2020 was a year of huge change for us, not just in terms of Covid which impacted everyone, but also a huge shift as we moved churches... I don't anticipate another big change for us in 2021 but I certainly have more than enough things in my life that could do with improving, changing and growing.

In thinking about that, I came across an article by Rachel Macy Stafford, who writes books about mothering and life and being present for our children (highly recommen any and all of them!), where she put forward a key word to try and live by: soften.

My Vow to Soften
by Rachel Macy Stafford

I’ve had enough of my hard edges. I’m tired of straining my voice.
I’d like to loosen up and laugh a little more,
Be a positive rather than a negative.

I’d like to feel the upward curve of my lips.
I’d like to surrender control of things in which I have no control.
I’d like to let things unfold in their own time, in their own way.
I’d like to participate joyfully in this fleeting life.

I’d like to be softer
towards him,
towards her,
towards me.

Thus, 2016 [or for me, 2021] shall be the year of my softening.

Growing up, I quickly learned that hard was the safe thing to be. Hard to hurt. A hard heart, a hard shell: both were essential to survival in my growing years. I wasn't hiding a "soft interior" under a rugged, gruff exterior - that would have been detected. It was essential to really be hard, to truly not care. To focus on tasks, outcomes, the next thing to do... rather than people and feelings.

That's how I have lived my life. It's served me, it's enabled me to survive and build a life: so I'm not saying it's a bad thing in all aspects... but hardness isn't serving my family now.

My children need a softer mother. My husband has always loved me as I was, and it's a journey for me to relax and soften into his love... to deepen our marriage... but he is a fully formed person already, whereas who I am is shaping the small persons I have charge of. I am shaping their formative memories, which they will look back upon their entire lives.

  • I want them to remember my arms as a safe place.
  • I want them to remember my eyes looking at them with love and acceptance.
  • I want them to remember my smile - not as a rarity, but every time they think of my face.

I have stuff I want to get done each day, but if I slow down, I can do it with them rather than for them. If I slow down and soften, being together becomes more important than the tasks at hand. We're in lockdown now - any tasks I have in mind can wait. There are no deadlines. Now it's as easy as it will ever be... so now is a good time for this. 

Softening.

Comments

  1. imperfectly natural mama19 January 2021 at 20:57

    So funny you published this today as I was preying this evening for God to soften my heart towards my children. Thanks for this post, it really resonated.

    ReplyDelete

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