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Being the "relaxed mum"

Having met quite a few mums in the various groups I've attended over the last few weeks here, several of them have said something along the lines of how relaxed and in my element I seem to be, despite being in a pretty stressful situation (on my own with the kids 24/7 in a strange city). This type of comment isn't new, I often get it at home as well.

In the past I've usually deflected and made a joke of it - "oh it's amazing what a little make up can do to make you look fresher" - but the truth is, I use hardly any makeup and I really am relaxed as a mother. I'm finding this gig less demanding than I think a lot of the mums I know do. Here are a few reasons why, perhaps they help some of you reading this!

Most importantly: I trust that they love me. I don't have to earn their love by giving into them, by being anything more than I am; I love them with all my being and I have a deep, simple trust that they cannot fail to love me. More about the reason why I know this deep down is in this blog post.

I absolutely always keep my word. My yes is a yes and my no (which is used sparingly!) is and remains a no. If I promise something - and I'm extremely careful what I promise - they can rest in the knowledge that I will follow through, and stop asking. If I threaten something (never punishment, just a logical consequence like "if you pour water out of the bath again, you're coming out") - and I'm just as careful about what I threaten - they also know I will follow through, and without delay. I accept their tears and I'm with them through their disappointment if I have to follow through such a threat, always offering a hug, but nothing will change.

I don't take difficult times personally. I've been known to say "S/he's having a hard time" when emotional meltdowns happen - I don't call them tantrums because I feel that's patronising. They really are having a hard time, they're not out to give me a hard time! I can have compassion when this happens and offer my calm rather than adding to their distress by having a tantrum of my own.

I'm in charge and I don't apologise for that. I see my role as a loving leader. I give them as much freedom as I possibly can - letting them play as freely as possible, asking about and respecting their wishes, allowing them to learn through their own mistakes and successes - but at the end of the day, I'm in charge and my job is to make them feel safe within the boundaries I create.

As a result I have children who are secure, feel safe and loved, run to me for support but walk away from me confidently when ready. They don't beg, whine or attempt to manipulate me because they know it won't work. I am authentic with them, and they with me. They are great fun to be around, which is a major reason why I'm as relaxed as I am. This parenting gig is full on, but it's the greatest and most fulfilling thing I've ever done.
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