Self-improvement, self-induced guilt, and what really matters

I suck at self-improvement.

I can't stick to things when the only reason I do them is to 'be better'. Be a better blogger and post more often? Exercise daily? Roll on Janathon! Except, I didn't roll with it for long.

Just sitting around being good enough today.

Clearly, commitment isn't a problem. There are lots of commitments in my life which I regularly keep: I'm holding down a job, walking the dog daily, keeping my home clean. Loving my husband, of course. Eating vegan.

I do none of these things just for myself, though: and that is the difference. After thinking long and hard about why I failed at Janathon - and I will point out that the exercise was mostly a daily thing and I've even started running a bit! It's the blogging that didn't work out because I didn't have enough to say... - and the answer is, I did that to 'be better'.

A drive to be better [thinner, fitter, ...] = self-induced guilt.

This drive comes from an assumption: I'm not good enough. Why do I have to be better, in the first place? And, if I commit to something and I become [better, thinner, fitter] then will I be good enough?

And who is the judge of good enough, anyway?

I'm already good enough for my husband. He is delighted with me.
I'll never be good enough for God, that's why he sent Jesus and because of him, I am completely acceptable to God. A delight, even.
My dog thinks I'm the best thing ever, I'm his favourite person.
Those I work with assure me they think I'm doing a fine job.

So if those who matter in my life all assure me I'm good enough - a delight, even! - then why do I keep trying to self-improve? What matters: that vague sense of not-good-enough or the true, tested, sincere assurances of those who matter to me?

Of course I'm not saying it's a bad idea to try and be the best you can be. I just know that for myself, I have to carefully examine the motives behind any drive to 'self-improve' - because it's giving in to the not-good-enough assumption, and when I fail at the self-improvement effort of the month, I've signed up for self-induced guilt.

No, thanks!

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